IT ALL JUST HIT ME

Typing this post is really out of my comfort zone and that's why I want to do it. Lately confronting my fears has been my thing. Plus I want to have this for journal purposes. This is the first time in months that I have sat down alone for more than 15 min without anything to do. Curtis is gone camping and all of the kids are in bed. I didn't realize how scary the silence can be. I think everything from the last 6 months just hit me. ALOT has happened. I knew it was happening but this is the first time it has hit me. I don't know if it makes sense or not. Looking back I don't even know how I managed Ivy having celiac disease, morning sickness, foster kid stress, having a baby, and the latest medical stuff. I always do this thing where I won't take time to let my self feel or I think people around me judge me for expressing my feelings. I get embarrassed and feel like I am weak or that people will think I am over reacting. Well I am getting over that now. I am definitely at my breaking point. It's time to admit the way I feel and forget about what people might think. I am scared how brain lesions might affect the quality of my life or the timing my life. I am afraid for Ivy's health. I am overwhelmed trying to make time for my children and keep them healthy and safe. Every time I have a tiny headache, feel extra tired, or anything that feels different I pay attention now. I feel paranoid that something serious is going on or that this might be my last day of having a normal life. When I get a diagnosis that will be great. Than I can except it, treat it and move on knowing what I should and shouldn't do. Every time Ivy throws up or gets a rash I wonder what she ate or I worry that I fed her something wrong. Soon we will be used to everything and she will be healthy more than not. I am tired and overwhelmed but I am so thankful for my faith and my family. I can't imagine going through this without them. I feel bad for the people that don't have the those things in their lives.

TEST RESULTS

Yesterday I had my doctors appointment to go over all of my test results. I don't have cancer, lupus, or MS. What a relief. I was so afraid I was dying or something. This last week has been a way scary week for me. Right after I did my last post all of the spinal tap side effects set in. Ouch, I have never felt worse in my life. I felt so blessed to have my family close by to help me with the kids and finish all of my unpacking. I feel very blessed with timing as well. We had no idea when we moved that this was coming. If we wouldn't have just moved it would have been way harder for everyone to help out because they would have to drive for 30 to 45 minutes to get to me. I am so thankful God cares enough about us to work out all of the small details.

Now for the weird part. I guess when my spinal fluid came back they found something they have never seen before. Apparently I have Crystals in my spinal fluid. The lab called my Neurologist as soon as they found out to see if she had ever heard of that. She hasn't, nobody in the office has, and nobody in the lab as. They even called other labs and doctors to see they had. So either this is a really cool thing that I am capable of growing crystals or something is really wrong. I am relieved for now but they are doing a lot more tests. Now I have to see a eye doc and back to the ear doc to rule out 2 other possible diseases. Then if they rule those out back to the neurologists for another MRI and Spinal Tap in 6 months if my symptoms don't get bad first. If nothing shows up there I have to get a catheter in my thigh that goes all the way to my brain and I would have to be awake. Please pray that is doesn't come to that. That scares me and it cost 20 thousand dollars. I guess only time will tell.