Friday, June 18, 2010
IT ALL JUST HIT ME
Typing this post is really out of my comfort zone and that's why I want to do it. Lately confronting my fears has been my thing. Plus I want to have this for journal purposes. This is the first time in months that I have sat down alone for more than 15 min without anything to do. Curtis is gone camping and all of the kids are in bed. I didn't realize how scary the silence can be. I think everything from the last 6 months just hit me. ALOT has happened. I knew it was happening but this is the first time it has hit me. I don't know if it makes sense or not. Looking back I don't even know how I managed Ivy having celiac disease, morning sickness, foster kid stress, having a baby, and the latest medical stuff. I always do this thing where I won't take time to let my self feel or I think people around me judge me for expressing my feelings. I get embarrassed and feel like I am weak or that people will think I am over reacting. Well I am getting over that now. I am definitely at my breaking point. It's time to admit the way I feel and forget about what people might think. I am scared how brain lesions might affect the quality of my life or the timing my life. I am afraid for Ivy's health. I am overwhelmed trying to make time for my children and keep them healthy and safe. Every time I have a tiny headache, feel extra tired, or anything that feels different I pay attention now. I feel paranoid that something serious is going on or that this might be my last day of having a normal life. When I get a diagnosis that will be great. Than I can except it, treat it and move on knowing what I should and shouldn't do. Every time Ivy throws up or gets a rash I wonder what she ate or I worry that I fed her something wrong. Soon we will be used to everything and she will be healthy more than not. I am tired and overwhelmed but I am so thankful for my faith and my family. I can't imagine going through this without them. I feel bad for the people that don't have the those things in their lives.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh Katy. This was a beautiful post. Your true feelings. I don't know how you've done everything these last 6 months. You are an amazing woman, mother and wife. Just one of those trials alone is a lot to handle. I can't imagine having a child with Celiac DIsease. It seems like that would take all day just to figure out what to cook and feed her. What a blessing to live so close to your family and have the eternal perspective of the gospel. Take care Katy. If you want to meet up when you come in October, let me know! (not to watch my kids = ) but to visit and hang out)
ReplyDeleteOh man- I'm so glad you wrote this. Whenever you write on my blog, "Oh how do you get all this done? I should be more Crafty!" I think- are you kidding me?!??!! The only responsibility I have in my life right now is my husband...who is an adult and pretty much can care for himself. I don't have kids, illnesses, ANYthing. I can't imagine how stressful your life must be right now! You are doing great and I just think you're so inspiring because you have such an amazing attitude and perspective on everything. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you wrote that all down! We don't judge you in any way - in fact I like hearing things like that because it's something that you would share if we were having a normal conversation if we saw each other all the time. All of the adjustments in the last months must be so crazy, but hopefully soon enough it will all just be a way of life. Hang in there! We love ya!
ReplyDeleteOh katy, I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. When it rains, it pours. It will not last forever. It can't. It will end, but right now for whatever reason, you have to go through it, and I'm so sorry that you do. You are not a freak, or selfish, or whiny, or depressing, or anythign like that for writing down your true feelings! Everyone is allowed and supposed to have feelings! And Satan wants us to be prideful and not reveal to others that we're having a hard time, because if we don't let others know how we're doing, then they can't help us, and then it makes everything worse, and makes you more alone than you have to be. I'm so glad that you fought that, and shared your feelings, so we can comment, and pray, and help in our little tiny way. I'm so glad you live by your family. And I'm so glad you ahve the gospel. You have an incredible attitude with all of this. Reading your blog I have been thinking, "ok, she just dealt with the celiax, dealt with foster stuff, HAD A BABY!!!!!!!!!! dealing with the new addition of a baby, and now finding out this scary possible diagnosis? having to endure the waiting and waiting of the diagnosis? Katy- you are amazing, and strong- you have been through alot. Don't feel bad or embarrassed for the way you are feeling, and if you want to post mroe abott your feelings, we are here for you to listen and comment!
ReplyDeleteIt bugs me a little that people don't post more about real life and post life as a happy go lucky place. We all know that everyone has trials and experiences that may not be the best. That is just being human. I am so proud of you for posting this because it makes you more human more real. I too have been wondering how you have been coping with so many huge things in your life. It is so great that you have awesome family support and the gospel in your life. We love you and I think of you often.
ReplyDeleteOh Katy, I think you're wonderful, wonderfully funny, and amazingly real. My heart lurches for you with every crazy thing that comes your way. Good luck with this crashing wave of insanity. May the Lord sustain you and your family through all of it and then some.
ReplyDeleteKaty, I'm so sorry. That is so much to deal with. Wow, you really bring perspective to my own life. You don't need to worry about what people think. You are dealing with a LOT and everyone has their breaking points. All I can say is, just look how you've gotten through all you already have, and God has a plan and he'll keep getting you through the rest. Feel free to complain all the time. That's what half of blogging is! Everyone needs to exhale and let go.
ReplyDelete